i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
Randomize
