I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
I had to remind him that there is no "age exchange rate" between the u.s. and spain, and that 16 will always equal 16
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
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