No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
Randomize
