The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Randomize
