when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
Idk. Last year there was an ice luge, glow in the dark jungle juice, and lots of naked people. I feel like I'll get pregnant just thinking about going to that party.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Randomize
