Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
Randomize
