omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
Randomize
