i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Randomize