either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
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