a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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