you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
Randomize
