I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
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Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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