I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
I can't watch pbs sober anymore
somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
