I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
Randomize
