I am in a vortex of obligation.
Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
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