i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
there is no way he can be that small
look on the bright side he'll over comepensate
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
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