I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
