i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?
Woah.
that's not how you spell hell yes.
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
I sold him an eighth while trippin balls wearin my girlfriends tutu and tube top. and i was talking about albinos the entire time
well, he defiantly picked the right guy to buy drugs from
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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