Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
Randomize
