Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
Randomize
