2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
Randomize