i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
we just fucked in the mcds parking lot
wasnt he a virgin
yes we got celebratory milkshakes after
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
They need a stunt cock, be about 20 more minutes.
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Randomize
