can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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