We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
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