Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
