I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
Randomize
