bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
Randomize
