i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
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