his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
