the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
