But if ***** wants to get filthy... Tell her to throw a text my way ;)
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Randomize
