you're like a bully in the Christmas story
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
my nick name has gotton too long over the years..C.T.P.S.G.F.P.G.......cock tease private school groupie frat party groupie.
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
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