wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
I'm having to shit out rocks
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