Why do girls always cry at the bar?
What's the point of going out if you're going to cry all night?
Are they having an exestensial crisis at the bar?
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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