i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
Randomize
