I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize