Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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