meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
i've been fucking this guy since february and just found out he might be uncircumsized. currently google image searching to confirm.
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
We had sex on a dog bed..
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
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