Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
They need a stunt cock, be about 20 more minutes.
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
Randomize
