You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
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