I'm laying in your front yard are you home
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
We all have our weaknesses that drive us crazy. We happen to have one in common, 21 year olds. Your secrets safe. Touch his penis.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
Randomize
