he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
he told me I talked like a deaf person
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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