i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
Ok just saw a girl open a pillbox, dump it out on her notebook and count out 13 adderall tabs and put them in a baggie and leave. Oh hey college.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
Randomize
