I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
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