I just threw up on my dentist
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
