I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
Randomize
