I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
as he was bent over the toilet, he turned to me and said "barbarian kyle is much stronger than regular kyle" and then went right back to puking.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
