Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
LETS GO REDSKINS!
Quit drinking and watching your DVR, it's wednesday.
It's hard to believe so much cum came out of such a small penis.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
Randomize
