If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
Green mimosas i think yes
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
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