Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
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