Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
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