Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Randomize
