I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
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