We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
Randomize
