Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
After she swallowed she let out a hurge burp. No BS. I'm the cock of the walk.
I think you have the wrong number. But at any rate, respect.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
Randomize
