so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
Randomize
