I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
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