No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
He uses pillows to masturbate.
The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
Randomize
