i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
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